ME

ByThomas E. Rieger

I’ve heard about homeless people, but I am a homeless cat. It seems that the people taking care of me left me to fend for myself.  I don’t know what possessed them to leave without me, but they sure as shootin’ did. It’s no fun being a homeless cat. It is a traumatic experience. And it is really bad since those people, you call human, had my claws removed so I would not tear up their furniture. Some friends.
So far I have spent three weeks living under a mobile home in Fromberg, Montana.  You cannot imagine the thousands of crawling bugs and flying creatures that I am sharing my space with. They think I am some soft furry hotel. All of them spend their waking hours nestled on my body and in my ears.  And let me tell you, they are not very tasty. I do believe they do more harm than good, but you can’t convince them of that. They just keep burrowing deeper. Something has to change. I’m really a nice guy, but I’m losing a lot of weight, and I know I am going to need some help. Those pesky creatures are eating me alive.
Ut, Oh!  A person  on her hands and knees with her head resting on the ground is looking at me. I am pretty hungry and weak so I think I will go see if she has some food for me.
In a soft mellow voice she said, “Here kitty, kitty.”
“Is she kidding me?  “Kitty, kitty.”  I hope she has some food. I’m hungry.”  Hey! Wait just a darn minute. She gathered me in her arm like she was my friend and then pushed me butt first into a cage. “Boy, that’s gratitude.” I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was just trying to stay alive under that moldy and dank mobile home. I deep throated a couple of feeble meows but that did not help. The lady handed me off to another person who deposited me in the back seat of a car. I don’t know about these humans.  I’m just not going to trust them.
Man, this is the cleanest place I have ever been. It smells good and has soft music playing. I heard somebody mention the word ‘vet.’  Now I am really suspicious. Two ladies encased in white coats entered the room.  Together they worked my ears over. The left one doesn’t stand up too straight but I can still hear well. Then parts of my back and neck were shaved.  I think they were looking for some of those crawly creatures still living in my hotel. That wasn’t so bad. Then they stuck some kind of needle in my body and withdrew some blood. That hurt like hell and I told them so with a rather loud meow.
I had to suffer the indignity of them trying to push a rather large pill down my throat. As soon as they thought I had swallowed the darn pill, they let loose of my jaws. I let out a breath and shot that gall fanged pill about three foot in the air and on to the floor. Something about an antibiotic I heard them say. I did not know what they were talking about. Rebelling came to my mind. I jumped with all of my somewhat limited strength. My legs went one way. Then my body took off laterally to the table. I clamped my mouth closed but these humans were too strong for me. They forced open the side of my mouth, inserted a round plastic tube and shot the pill down my throat. Some friends but they did offer me food.  It did not have much flavor but when you are hungry you have to try it. I inhaled it.
After the food was gone they in ceremoniously tossed me into a rather large cage. It did have a blanket and it was a lot cleaner than what I was used to. I think that pill they shot down my throat made me sleepy. I had a night’s sleep without fighting those wild creatures from under the mobile home.
Oh yes!  They also drip some type of liquid in my ears. Something about removing those little creatures making a home in there. I think they died and the people used a stick covered on the end with some cotton. They stuck the stick in my ear and tried to rake the bugs out. I fought the procedure but I lost. Their baby talk did not help my mood much. They delicately put me back in my new home. I sure as hell hope I get a new home. A cage is not much.
Well, here we go again. Seems I am being taken to a new home. They place me butt first into a rather small cage. A short drive up the highway deposited me into a foster parent’s home. I made a big decision. They did not know me and I did not know them.  I decided to show them who was going to be the boss.  They set my jail on the floor and slowly opened the door. I cautiously extended one foot and then the other.  Swish I ran for underneath the bed. “Catch me if you can you meatheads.” They didn’t.
I was still pretty weak. I closed my eyes to fool my new keepers to think I was asleep. I kept that up until my hunger got the best of me. I wandered out to where they had put a bowl of hard cat food.  Since I was not feeling too well I only ate a couple of bites and headed for my new home under the bed.  It was not long before my urges caught up with me. I headed for the litter box in the adjoining bathroom.  I do not know whose bathroom it was but from now on I was the owner.
The box was short and I am long.  I gave them their first lesson on how the household was going to be run. I missed all over the place. They were going to have to clean it up. Smugly I shuffled back to  my apartment under the bed. Darn! The lady cleaned up the mess without a discouraging word. I figure that the only thing left to do right now is take a nap. I am good at that.
After my nap I decided to look for some more food.  Can you imagine they tried to slip some fish food into my meal bucket. How distasteful. I scurried back to my room and took another nap. I might still be weak but no way am I going to chow down on fish food. They can both ponder that problem. I am a hard food man and always will be.
Let me tell you how I won them over to my way of life. First I am a nocturnal cat that sleeps all day. I finally regained my strength and some more brain power. About 8:30 at night I would slink to the front room where my two foster parents would be alternately watching TV and taking short naps. They would try to coax me to their laps. I would make a few circles and then on my own time schedule jump on one of their laps, push my nose close to theirs and purr rather loudly. I would give each of them 10 minutes of this procedure. They still cannot see through my charade. I do it every night.
The next show I put on is just before they go to bed. They try to read but it is a no go. I jump up and give them the old nose to nose treatment. This is where I taught them the head butt. They love it.  Again I purr loudly and let them pet me. They are so easy to get around. I jump off the bed, go eat a little hard food and then hunt for my big cotton mouse.
There is no sleeping for the beauties. I push and bat the mouse on to the bed and then off the bed. A few times of that nonsense I finally am worn out. There is a large gap between their heads so I head in that direction and lay down for my short evening nap. I wake up.  They are sound asleep. I am free to do anything in the house that my mighty brain can think of. When they wake in the morning I will be at the foot of the bed welcoming them to a new day.
I really am good. I have reign of the house. My schedule is my own. I have plenty to eat. I still work the petting routine. There is one question that I have not put to them yet. I wonder if they will let me drive the car? I can hear Mrs. parent about now in her commanding voice.  “He’s too young. “ But I am growing fatter and stronger every day. It won’t be long before I have the car.  Oh yes.  My name is Duncan. I have long silky white hair and a bone bump on my forehead.  If you see me while I am dragging Broadway?  Wave.  I will honk the horn.